Do you ever have moments when something triggers your memory and all the emotion of your NICU days comes back? The other day a song came on the radio while I was driving: Bob Marley and The Wailers’ “One Love.” It took me back to almost five years ago when my second child was in the NICU.
She was a 34-weeker with a perpetual apnea countdown and feeding issues. My husband and I had transferred her from the hospital where she was born to a more local hospital with a special care nursery. Because we had a four-year-old son at home, we were constantly taking turns to be with each child. I often went to visit my daughter for a few hours in the morning, followed by an afternoon shift at home with my son. After I put him to bed, I’d get in the car and drive back to the hospital for a late-night feeding and snuggle with my baby.
Sometimes on the drive home, very late at night, there was a radio station that had a reggae hour. And one night, after what seemed like my daughter’s millionth apnea episode, Bob Marley sang this to me:
One love, one heart
Let’s get together and feel all right
One love, one heart
Give thanks and praise to the Lord feel all right
Let’s get together and feel all right
And I cried because I did not feel all right. I cried because I just left the baby that I’d carried for months with people I’d barely met. I cried because I was driving home with an empty car seat yet again. I cried because my abdomen still hurt, I hadn’t slept for more than four hours straight in weeks, and I’d heard “When is she coming home?” one too many times and “I don’t know” seemed like a lousy answer.
Now when I hear Bob Marley singing and giving thanks, I get that knot in my stomach from remembering that painful time but I do feel all right. The eventual resolution of her health problems and the passing of time helped heal some wounds, but talking about it and sharing our stories has been perhaps the most therapeutic. So thanks for reading. In the words of Bob Marley, “Let’s get together and feel all right.”
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