Living Through the What Should Have Beens

Today’s post comes from preemie mom Nicole, who had to say goodbye to her preemie son, Kade, far too soon. The experience is one that has already taught her a lot, and she is graciously sharing her thoughts and feelings in case it can help new parents dealing with the loss of a preemie.

It’s been 3 months and 1 day since our baby, Kade, went to heaven. Some days are better than others. However, there are dates on the calendar that I wish we could just skip over completely.

This weekend would have been my baby shower (we had two planned; this would have been my last one)—but no baby will get to be celebrated this weekend. I can’t help but think of what this weekend would have been like. Celebrating our baby boy, finishing his nursery and making sure everything is perfect for his arrival on September 3rd, being surrounded by excited family and friends. So many would-have-beens.

Living through these what should’ve beens is so hard. Dates can be landmines. Instead of getting to celebrate this weekend, we are left with empty arms. Kade’s bedroom door will remain closed. His never-worn clothes are still in a box with the tags on. The paint samples are still up on the wall in his room because we don’t have the heart to paint over them. His crib and car seat are both unused and are hidden in the basement so we don’t have to look at them and be reminded of what we don’t have. Instead of celebrating, we are left with everything Kade never got to use.

Whether it’s your would’ve been baby shower, your due date, or a would’ve been doctor appointment, dates like these are hard. Being a mother is the most rewarding title and the most satisfying role, but to have that taken away just isn’t fair. I don’t understand why things like this happen, but I do know that the love a mother has for her child never waivers… no matter if your child is here or not.

When you’re pregnant, your growing belly is a huge indicator for the people in your life to check up on you. When you have your baby, people continue to check on you and ask if they can come visit you and the new baby. However, when you lose your baby, there is no easy way for the people around you to remember that an important day is approaching.

But when you lose your baby, people stop checking on you. You feel completely alone when these dates arrive and you feel like everyone has forgotten about your precious baby.

I’m here to tell you that you are NOT alone, my friend, and your baby will never be forgotten. I cry with you. I hurt with you, and my heart aches for you. If you are reading this and are coming to a date that feels like a landmine, please know that I am praying for you and praying for some sort of peace in your heart.

Our babies may have been here for only a moment, but the love we have for them will last forever.

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About The Author: Graham's Foundation