Written by Nicole Lauer, one of our Preemie Parent Mentors
When are you going to start having kids?
How many kids do you have?
Is this your first pregnancy?
You’re married now, when do the babies come?
When are you going to try again?
Those questions seem harmless, right? But what if I told you…
The woman you just asked when are you going to have kids? has had three miscarriages.
The married couple you won’t leave alone about having kids, has been trying to get pregnant for two years.
The pregnant woman you asked is this your first pregnancy? lost a baby one year ago and isn’t sure how to answer your question without making things uncomfortable for you.
The family member you keep hounding to pop some kids out already, you’ve been married long enough, just went to the doctor with his wife. They were both told they couldn’t have children and they are devastated.
The young couple at church just lost their only child, and you just asked them how many kids they have. Think of how painful that was for them to answer your question.
To be honest, it’s not your business to know when people decide to have children. It’s not your business to know if it’s someone’s first pregnancy. Why does it matter to you what number pregnancy they are on? It’s not your place to bug married couples on when you think they need to start having children. It’s not your place to ask people when they plan to try again. I know it’s harsh to say… but it’s none of your business—even if it’s a family member or your closest friend.
Unless you know for a fact that a couple has never lost a child, don’t ask them how many kids they have. Answering this question after the loss of a child causes heartbreak and confusion for those grieving parents.
Unless you know for a fact that the pregnant woman you bumped into has never experienced a loss, don’t ask her if this is her first pregnancy. Instead, just wish her well without asking her anything.
Unless you know that the person you are talking to has never had a miscarriage, isn’t struggling with fertility, or has never been told that they couldn’t have children, don’t ask them why they don’t have any kids yet.
Stop assuming that just because a couple gets married, that they need to immediately start having children. I promise that you will be perfectly fine without knowing that personal information.
Please, for the sake of all of the hurting men and women out there, stop asking these questions and stop making assumptions. If you are trying to get to know someone or make conversation, ask them something else. Anything else. You don’t know what a person has been through. You don’t know what a person is currently going through. To whoever is reading this, if you are guilty of asking questions like this, please think of the heartache you could be causing. We know you mean well, but what you’re asking can be causing an immense amount of pain for someone.
A Momma to a baby boy in Heaven—tired of being asked these questions over and over again.